CLOSED

I've gone on a break and i still can't find what' i've been missing to write in this diary anymore. I've actually got a rough idea why i can no longer write anymore, it's not that i'm missing out on something. But something's holding me down making me moody on and off, and i don't think i'll be able to get out of it that soon. I don't wanna make this diary extra moody and causing people who read it turn sour, SEE ! I'm so thoughtful =) So i am no longer gonna write in here anymore. Goodbye pesky-pussy. I can't bear to just close down this diary therefore i'm gonna just leave it here so in the far future so i can read back at what i've wrote. So my friends reading this, please do not visit my diary anymore, it's closed, not for the day, but forever.

I'm quite sure, for a really long way more to go, there'll be this feeling deep down like a little golf ball that brands itself saying i feel for you. I know that pictures and some memories will have to help me through some day. Continuation from "Trip to white castle part 1"

The boy moves on with his journey just to find that many knights are on their way to the white castle too. The boy feels inferior, someone throw him an armour please. With little food, clothing and cold weather, it seems like the boy will never make it, much less win those knights. He has almost forgotten what he started fighting for, he tells himself that he can't hold out forever, it's time to throw away his sword forever and bring his dream back home. But having travelled so far, he takes out the magic photo and look at it once again, thus reigniting the fire in him, never forgetting that his life has been such a whirlwind since he met the princess in the magic photo, so he does his best to go on. Time and time again the boy fights off monsters and armies of knights, turning this journey to be a bloody battle field with constant and sharp pain. He feels like calling in the Airforce to exterminate all threats but this story is set in the early roman years, B.C 999 so it's kinda impossible to get such powerful help. Therefore the boy is on his own, fighting with his rusting sword and bare hands, with the journey looking bleak. The journey continues...


Please read
Disclaimer : Characters in story are of no relevance to any living person
In case of coincidence, author is filled with utmost regret along with
gratitude for being understanding
Thank you

Okay, i know i said i would go on a break, but not when i'm feeling wierd and need a place to splatter out everything. Why does no one holds god responsible for bad things that happen? We are taught not to blame him for whatever bad things that comes our way but take it as a test, somewhat like we need evil for the ability to recognise good. Okay, so i take it as a test. Evil is living in every single person in the world, so god is almighty yet he created something he couldn't fight, evil. People will then say he created evil purposely in order for us to see good, so if he did create evil purposely, can i now at least blame him for a little bit for the bad that happened to me? Say for example, i create a robot to benifit the world. It is given the ability to evolve and learn, when balls fly towards little kids in playgrounds, it kicks them away, in battlefields it punches the grenades back to the enemy. Soon the whole world starts using this robot, however, it starts developing a liking for kicking cute puppies. It seeks newborn puppies, especially the super cuddly and cute ones, and kicks them as far as he can. And thus a puppy extinction. Now, would i, the creator be held AT LEAST responsible for my robots misdeed although i never programmed it this way? Surely the people will start blaming the robot and the creator of it for the extinction, and my name goes down into history for the first ever puppy extinction. So god created evil, anyway you can think of, satan (angel which god created who turned evil) or whatever you want and is never held responisble for his creation deeds. How is it fair to me, i've never had a feeling anything like this before. It's like losing your favourite teddy bear when you were 3 years old, but i'm 18 now and my tears don't flow as easy back when i was 3, it's choking me.

GONE ON BREAK

I think i'm gonna take a break from this diary, perhaps a few days. I can't seem to be able to write out anything and have been forcing some entries just to fill in the days, so i feel it wouldn't be as intersting to read anymore. Well, i don't know why you people would wanna read about my wierd and lifeless life in the first place, where all i do is rant. I guess it's all in the mood, i haven't really been in the mood for almost the entire week, it just feels so different. Something's lacking, i need to use this few days to find what's lacking and get it back. Off i go in search for what's missing.

Jacky's in my room doing his work now, he had a fight with hoey so i had to seperate them. Jacky suddenly asked me about jeremy's project which i'm acting in. He told me mum ask him to be the lead actor in the show, i was rather curious why mum said something like that. So i went to ask mum, and infront of jacky she said "Aiya, this jacky always acting one, morning act to be sick, don't wanna go school, ask him do homework act stomache, ask him play only then nothing wrong. This boy here can act so well, don't let him be the lead actor in your friend's show very wasted." I just realised i have a whole family of male actors, when i need dad to drive me out, sometimes he goes "argh, got headache, can't drive, ask your mother". When i ask my wenxian for a favour, from using the computer, he can switch to doing some homework and claims he's busy. The only male in my family who can't act is hoey, because he doesn't act gay, he IS gay.

Met up with berwin and xianghan for dinner and was waiting to cross the road at the traffic light, i almost rolled down onto the road upon hearing something stupid from xianghan. He gets to know girls through friendster, so i said "Use another way to know girls lahh, don't use friendster, right anot?" Berwin went yalor. The next sentence was what almost sent me rolling to the road. Xianghan : "Then how? Facebook ar?" You should see how berwin and my eyes rolled, berwin stood at the side looking astonished, shooked his head saying "Ya, myspace also can". What we meant was to make friends through friends and not over the internet, but xianghan read it as use another program other than friendster. Xianghan ar xianghan..you die better off lahh.

I got a dick rubbing agaisnt my ass today. The bad thing? It does not belong to my friend, but to a fucking stranger behind me. The mrt to city hall was so packed that i could feel his dick on my ass, he did not stop at rubbing his dick on me, he pushed me vigourously like i was a money tree with the sign "push more, more money". He pushed me so that he could get out, stupid thing is? I AM trying to get out too. There was this ah pek infront of me, so i thought an ah pek trying to get out of the train now would be equivalent to sending him to punggol park and make him run one round at full speed, resulting in death. So i delibrately stopped and made way for him to get out. Sadly, the dick rubber behind me kept pushing me real hard WHEN i'm trying to be nice to the ah pek full of white hair ! To prevent all the pushing and dick rubbing, the mrt people should do something about the conjested train rides instead of spending all their time on "bombs in the train" thus lacking in the service sector. So i paid $1.95 to ride in a train where i got my ass rubbed with some stranger's bird and got pushed. So much for LTA's motto "value for your money". Yeah, it'ld be really a value to my money IF only i were gay and needed that dick rubbing on my ass badly, defitnetly $1.95 would be value for my money, defitnetly.

Berwin han has a really twisted brain. Over msn, i was telling him my problems. In primary 6 science we call it the "food web". So it's something like, cat is preying on the rat, comes along another predator, the snake. So the cat and the snake are fighting for the rat. So i asked berwin if i were the cat, what would he advise me to do. Berwin said i eat the rat quickly or kill the snake. But being human, i start telling him how hard it would be to kill the stupid snake, so there would still be problems. So he sugessted he kill the cause of the fight, the rat. But then the problem would be, the cat(me) gets sad because there'ld be no food. So after all the advise he gave which lead to more problems, he got fucked up and said "I know how to solve all the problem, you see ar, you tell me your problem, end up i also got problem, so i kill you then surely you won't have anymore problems and i also have no problem!". So idiot child berwin made me laugh with that and i felt better, sometimes talking to an idiot makes you feel good!

I caught one missed call today, and bloody hell, i bet the director must have recieved one million missed calls. He and his lousy show, defitnetly millions of people will call him and complain the waste of their ticket money. What was worse was that a stupid guy with a head of the size of a watermelon sat infront of me. Fucking hell, if i did not changed my seat, i wouldn't have been the least freaked out in the show. Why? Because that watermelon head covered most of my vision and i wouldn't have to be afraid when the ghost appears. Okay, so after something blocks my eyes, something else affected my ears. A bunch of crazy girls (the watermelon head's friends) were screaming like they were in a roller coaster ride or as if their friend, the watermelon head started to rip his juciy fruity head apart and show it to them. Back to the bad content of the movie, there wasn't really an ending. So thumbs down, adding to the bad movie go-ers seating infront of me, brr, i felt like i wasted 7 bucks.

My parent praised our family today, for good self control. For not swtiching on the air con without thinking thus saving the electricity bill, but actual fact is...the weather is too cold in the nights nowadays so i do not turn it on. But i just claimed the credit by putting on a wide smile. We never got nagged about switching on the aircon rentlessly, until recently. Must be all the heavy taxes our parents get imposed on, remember before the increase of the gst hike when the government gave out money incentives to every citizen aged 18 -21? That was the period of the election too. Well, maybe it's just to blind the people, money do in fact blind people and make them do stupid things. So that's why the PAP won again even though they upsetted almost the whole nation by increasing the gst to 7%. So next time they do that again, maybe you'ld like to advise your parents on voting. Teenagers never will get the sum of money, only the adults do. So what if they give our parents a couple of hundred bucks? The increase in cost of living will take away a big part of that "couple of hundreds" they give our parents, and what about our parents needing to raise us? Pocket money doesn't increase when food prices are soaring out there. So when some tv reporters on the streets ask for comments about how they feel about the governments decision, who in the fuck dares to say "oh yalor, these people are WRONG in making things so expensive now *then shouts 'next time i don't support your PAP ar !'*." So what happens when nobody dares to make a public outcry? You seat at kopitiams and hear ah peks shouting to each other in hokkien about how fucked up the government is. I swear, i always see this happening at almost every kopitiam, especially during the increase of gst period. I even once saw one ah pek pointing the middle finger to the tv in the kopitiam when MR LEE's face was shown in news. He didn't stop there, he continues pushing his middle finger in and out of a hole created by his other hand (try doing that to see what i mean, you wouldn't wanna do it infront of your family, it's something bad). So my main issue is, I NEED MORE POCKET MONEY ! And of course the sub issue is about how unhappy i am with all the new changes made.

I really wanna go up to jacky's face and shout him a big big THANK YOU...not, you tiny little fucker. Eunice (our maid) is complaining that she's being ill treated by michael jacky (our house's very own self proclaimed michael jackson's brother). She tells mum that jacky is extremely generous, not with his tidbits or drinks. But with his vulgarities and bad manners. I'm not really at home most of the time, so by hearsay, i hear that jacky loves hiding in a corner and "BOO" at eunice scaring the wits out of her. He loves to immitate the hong kong traids and use eunice as his street rival hurling attacks(small punches/not fatal/for fun) at her and all sort of vulgarities. So being eunice, she couldn't take it and complained to mum. So mum told eunice to decide carefully before making a choice, it's her call if she wanna go. Upon hearing that, i strengthed my bilateral ties with eunice, trying to physco her to stay. I can't do without someone cleaning up my room everyday and all the chores. If she leaves, i think my bum will no longer be resting on the couch forever and i have to do chores ! That is horribly bad. I have a ominous feeling that she is gonna leave, and mum said she wouldn't wanna go through all the trouble for a new maid, we'll just have to make do. So who should my family fuck? Michael jacky.

My world came crashing down yesterday afternoon. What have i been going after for the past few months? I can't really answer that myself. I told myself before i quit school, i would do something meaningful, useful throughout the one year break. But it seems that i'm trying to go after something that doesn't exist, i know it doesn't exist, yet whenever reality knocks hard on my door, i refuse to face the truth and hold on to those silly "dreams" of mine that "dreams will come true one day". I must have been watching too much dramas. You know how it feels like? I tell you, it feels exactly like i'm trying to let something go that is tightly chained to a part of me. I haven't been really going to church for a period of time, but still... dear god the only thing i ask of you is to hold her when i'm not around, when i'm much too far away. We all need that person who can be true to you. But i have to leave her when i found her. And now i wish i could stay cause i'm lonely, i'm tired and i'm missing you again.

Hearing all the stuff about friends failing or succeeding in a relationship, a stupid thought flashed through my mind, a word that i learnt in secondary school maths, reciprocation. Originating from the word reciprocate, this word actually applies to almost anything, you can name anything in life and it applies to it. Just like you work hard, you get promoted. You study hard, good grades. So you put in good effort, you get good returns. Similarly, you put in bad effort, you get bad returns. Like, play hard and fail your exams. Something like that. So i realised this word which applies for most things loses it's prerogative to say "reciprocate applies to anything in life" when it comes together with the word "relationship". It is just that hard for "reciprocate" to apply in a relationship (wooing period mainly), you put 50% of effort, you SELDOM (not saying never) get back the good returns. So you put in good effort but get lesser or nothing in return. I'm talking about real time relationships and not flings. Relationships must be the number one cause of heartbreaking. If only relationships reciprocates like enmity, you give one punch to me, i'm dying to give you back two or three punches. You curse my dad, i curse your entire family tree, something like that, giving you back more than you deserve. Wouldn't it be nice?

Berwin han is a motherfucking stingy+petty+crazy fella. Over one broken nail clipper, he ranted at me for the evening from his house all the way to mine. What happened was, he wanted to change his rusty guitar strings, so i advised him to use the nail clipper to snap the strings (i saw that from a teevee show where the girl used her nail clippers to snap of the stings of the guitar when her woo-er was playing to her). Okay, i lied about me using this method before. But how the hell would we have guessed instead of the string snapping, his fucking nail clipper snapped. And he cursed me and my father. Berwin han ah ! Why so stingy? Nail clipper only 50 cents, i buy you 20 clippers for you to use each on every toe and finger lahh ! He continued to say he needs to use it and has no more clippers. Fucking retard, your nail grows few centimetre every minute ar!? Is there a need to use your nail clipper so vigourously?! And i bet your nail clipper must be from the chapalang store, please start buying original nail clippers from the "Nail clipper specialist store". Where they have different clippers for different types of nail hardness, make sure you see the official stamp and get a warranty card ! Only then will you know if you have bought an original nail clipper.

I banged my head against the table when mum asked me if i cut my hair in the toilet, i said no. Truth is, i trimmed my leg's hair in the fucking toilet and thought it would be gone by the time i finished bathing. Damn, i should have double checked. Well, i did tell the truth that i didn't cut my hair (referring to the ones on my head). But i bet she must be thinking of something else OTHER than the hair on my legs, how embaressing. Well, i know most of you would think i'm being riduculous to trim my leg's hair. But by doing that, i believe the proportion of hair on your legs will be just nice and not too over populated. Like how people cut their hair, shave their beard, trim their eyebrows (i'm guilty of this) and any other parts which possibly has hair. So trimming your leg's hair is NOT wierd. But getting caught is just that bad.

Okay, the previous post was just to prove that males can't take everything alone and whatsoever. On a lighter note, i think my brother is gonna fail english really soon if he continues asking our maid on spelling. Woke up to the screaming of eunice's (maid) name, i wandered around the house and saw no one at home except jacky and eunice. Being nosy and had nothing to do, i decided to check on jacky's homework, his english essay. Holy shit, at first glance i thought it was some malay mixed english essay. Few words were written in foreign language, being amazed i asked jacky why the fuck he had malay words in them. He pointed to eunice and said he asked her for help on spelling a few words for his essay. Comics was spelt as comiks and chocalates was coklat. This time i can't really blame jacky, if i was in primary 3 and someone told me the spelling for some words which actually does pronouces the word i want, i would actually believe it.

Just because we have the balls and dick doesn't make us impenetrable or giving us the "priority" to have the whole world on our backs. The phrase always goes "you're a man", and what comes behind this phrase are always words of responsibilty for being someone with the balls and dick, "you do it", "it's nothing", "you can take it". Whenever we say no, can't do, we get mocked as "pussy", "not a man", "wimp". Yes, i know lots of people wouldn't mean it, so i take it as a passing phrase, but after hearing it like forever, it fucking gets the shit outta me. So people who always think man/guy/boy can carry the world on our backs, why don't you imagine us fucking crying like a kid when the problem knocks on our doors. Imagine us this way and not some hero which we'll handle everything. People do say things and realise it hurts us but upon thinking we're the man, they think we can take it. Tear/rip my face apart and see the sorrow underneath it, that's where it's hidden. RIGHT BENEATH. Right at the moment we hear something hurtful, i mouth the word fuck and put a smile on my face. That's how fake it goes, people with the balls are entitled to some crying time too.

I can't believe i woke up so early to go watch a soccer match, i guess our church won the entire serangoon district. A surprising spectator that turned up was brandon rozario who has gone missing for months from church, and amazingly he still is very holy... throughout the soccer match. Every time our church players score or just touch the ball, he praises god. "Alleluia ! Yahweh ! God is with us ! Let's praise him !" All these were repeated throughout the hours of the games, right out from his mouth. So i kept his mouth shut with a plate of carrot cake from the nearby hawker centre. Both of us left before the final match started because the sun was burning and i think brandon was running out of praises to say. I didn't know why, but i was sweating half as much as the players on the field, i quickly bathed and promised myself just 30mins of sleeping but i guess i slept for 12 times longer the time i promised. I woke up at 9.30pm with nothing to do now.

The ngee ann mass conners have struck again. Two of them namely dickson and kailing conned me into going down to hougang for breakfast at 7am. Their main tools were the internet (msn) and the phone, they used these two tools to con me at 4am pleading me to go for macdonalds all the way at hougang when there is actually one just 5 minutes walk away from my house. Being stupid, i almost agreed to go to ang mo kio to meet them, but the intelligence in me told me not to no matter how tired i was at 4 am, so i negotiated that we eat in hougang. Being smart again, it wasn't surprising i conned the conners. Now kailing owes me a brown bag.

Shaked our dicks like monekys all over plaza singapura while waiting for the hours to pass to watch " I am legend". I actually thought it would be a rambo type of movie where he does a one man show killing everything. It didn't turned out this way, so i think i've been conned by Clarence to watch "I am somesort of legend". To be fair, i conned him into walking from dhoby gaut all the way till serangoon mrt station. I felt like we were some kinda tourist walking to places we've never been. We cut through HDB blocks in potong pasir, got lost and all sorta nonsense. We got to see St Andrew schools, mother of god, the secondary, primary and college was unbelievably huge. In comparison to size, i think it beats most of the other polytechnics. Clarence that shit face told me the schools were interlinked (by a long nice bridge) and students from the secondary could go over to the college to have lunch, the primary could go over to the secondary, to keep it short, as long as you're from st andrews, you get to move around the whole campus shit. So i was thinking, damn, wouldn't all the guys from the secondary school head over for the college girls? If i was in St Andrews secondary, i would skip my lessons, get a few red forms just to hang around the college tuckshop.

Oh fuck, school has started and it got the shit out of almost all my friends. I'm fucking cooped at home with nobody to go out with. It's gonna be a hard ONE month to pass. Gonna waste my life excessively from today onwards till school starts, love life, enjoy and let every other thing suck on my balls.

Children nowadays are so glued to the computer. Jacky was talking to me really early in the morning and suddenly he went "OH NO, i go delete my toothpaste first." The hell's wrong with him, then he said "delete mahh, cause i put the toothpaste on the toothbrush, i don't wanna brush already so i delete the toothpaste first." The fuck is wrong with kids now. Today's the first day of school for my brothers, so being all excited they couldn't sleep the entire night and bugged me to wake up. Well, wenxian didn't sleep from 1am till 6am and left for school. Jacky that goondoo was over excited and couldn't sleep, and he fell sick at 4am plus. He missed the school bus, but he insisted he wanted school, so mum drove him there. Never knew that being over excited could make you sick, well, it's jacky, so not surprising.